official

i love my life
ditch all obligations, skip all dates, and just ride through the mountains on the back of Jan's motorcycle, being wonderfully stupid, wheelies and sharp turns and driving fast and getting air and mountains mountains mountains. and playing the guitar and singing!

one of the most beautiful places i've ever seen is literally right in my backyard. photos don't do justice. i'll walk up there tomorrow, and maybe every day.

louie and i have the house to ourselves tonight. loud music and incense and candle and smoke

this club called el pi (pronounced L.P.) is fucking sweet. the rest of the night i had 'where is my mind' worming around between my ears. the rest of the night, laying with Jan, totally unable to sleep, not sure what to do about today.

a thirty-five-year-old acquaintance of mine told me last night that he thinks i'm cute and... well... what the fuck am i supposed to do now?

these people are coming out of the woodwork.

thursday i was dancing with kaya at the irish pub, and jorin showed up, didn't want to dance, had two beers and a cigarette with me, made future plans with me, got my number, and left. clearly that was his only intention in coming: to get my number.

wolves!

oh, and JD is amazing. we sat and talked about music for hours. cherished.
oh, and i might be seeing amanda tomorrow again. there's a chance that... well... we'll see what she thinks about things. but her collar-bone. and that face, peeking out from those dreds. and softness and warmth and smiles, and a hand held in mine.

i'm the girl who is always late, or cancels plans at the last minute, because she is trying this new live in the moment thing. if i can get the handle of it, it will be the greatest thing in the world.

i'm also the girl who always shows up with a bottle of white wine and/or dessert of some kind, and who usually does the dishes in the morning, and puts a vase of fresh flowers that she cut barefoot from the garden.
i do these things, because they remind me of the good reasons for living. sometimes you wake up after not sleeping because it was about to crush you. and then you look outside at the bright yellow forsythias growing, and the bright blue painted fences, and the green baerlauch that simply CAN'T be real, and you run out and pick wild berries and make pesto and put slices of apple into your apricot yogurt and just EAT THE SUNSHINE and you can't help but be happy.

cute is what i aim for. it seems to be working. goals? priorities? what are those?

somehow i misplaced ten euro last night. wtf. that's a lot of money.

i can roll a cigarette. i can roll lots of cigarettes. this stained glass window is absolutely beautiful. among my most prized possessions. and it was free.

i should really find some random thing to use as an ash tray. tomorrow i ride my bike from sankt peter to freiburg, then go hiking or swimming, or lay by the dreisam, contemplating how to handle this jason situation.

i should make a list of defining moments of my life. one would include Herr Katzenmayer's sixth grade german class. another would be meeting Kari Irwin.

these dangerous comparisons between myself and holly golightly and margot tenenbaum keep running through my head. it was a goal. but i'm still becoming. and those characters had huge problems too. still becoming.

classes start this week. JD might be in my class. i play with fire. and glass.

things i love about sankt peter: walking home late at night, there are more stars than i've ever seen, because there aren't even street lights to blot them out.
things i miss about home: that when driving through illinois, you can see forever. the shining buildings of chicago.

freiburg is incredibly small. oh well. if it gets to be really too small, i'll go somewhere bigger. but for now i love it here. it and my semi-alcoholic, debaucherous life.

kaya and the kids make it so that i can breathe. and so that i don't feel totally crazy. and so that i can do anything. because, really, i can do fucking ANYTHING.

did you really read all of that?

blah blitty blah blah blah to your trip!