my slightly belated valentine's post

i'm sorry i'm a bit seasonally depressed.

i'm sorry i'm not always optimistic.

i'm sorry that all of this is made worse right now because after a month from now i have NO PLAN and that's terrifying, not liberating.

what the fuck do you want me to say?

especially when every time we talk you mope right back about how much you'll miss me and can't imagine me leaving and how you'll wait for me.

i'm sorry i find that all difficult to believe.

okay, so i have some trust issues too--but who doesn't?

and it all sucks a little bit more because i have to somehow find a way to express what i'm thinking and experiencing in german because you don't understand english.

but all the same i'm crazy about you and want to make this work and just want things to be easy and good like i know they can be if there wasn't all of this pressure building up on us right now.

i hope that when i see you tomorrow we can just fall together, and that giant hole that was there tonight somehow doesn't matter so much anymore, or doesn't seem as important anymore.

i had a wonderful couple of days with my friends. they helped me translate my resume so i can finally try to apply to this school. you remember that thing you said you would help me with, but we never really got around to? mhmm yep that.

but should i even go to this school? i kindof have the feeling its a bad idea because you are so close to it. and that means 3.5 years close to you, whether we want to be close or not. and lets me honest. there are 2 reasons i hate relationships:

1. they make everything complicated.

oh i guess there is only one reason.

they make things with friends complicated.

the relationship is complicated because we're supposed to be in love, even though we may or may not be. why the hell can't we just enjoy each others company?

and exclusivity is something i just can't quite wrap my head around. the times i've done the open relationship, hookup thing have been more successful than the times i've done the real relationship thing.

success measured by positive feelings that can be generalized as happiness.

and relationships make questions like where to live where to study where to work complicated because if its too close to you, and we break up, life sucks. but if its too far from you, we have to break up, because life in a long-distance relationship sucks.

so, in short, here is my slightly belated valentines post.

relationships suck.