it takes me back to xanga days, and januaries when my parents would leave for 2 weeks on a beach in mexico and leave me for 2 weeks alone with crotchety grandmother, catshit, and grey chicago snow. what did i do? i cried. for 2 weeks straight. and baked and cleaned whenever i was in the house and couldn't get my homeworkdone because i couldn't focus on it and hoped and wished that somebody would call and take me out of my misery and i hated my neediness but. fuck. i was experiencing seasonal depression.
at college things were better because the friends were always there. they didn't go on a 2 week trip to the bahamas.
its back again this year. my host family is on vacation, simultaneous with my parents cruise through the karibik. i am facing job rejection after job rejection after poor 1AM telephone interview and now having to decide whether i want to scrape for a job in germany where my friend circle is going more and more kaputt thanks to a bastard of an ex boyfriend determined to ostracize me from a group that i BROUGHT HIM IN TO, or to go home to a place that i hate and always have hated but where i at least have friends and family. oh and then there's the fact that i'm broke.
but what about rene? he would move heaven and earth to keep me with him, and i am absolutely shit-bat-nuts crazy about him and staying with him.
i think i'll do what i did this morning, because it was so productive: start cleaning the house, take a break for breakfast, start crying into my teacup and eggs, clean everything away, start sobbing my way up the stairs, and spend the next, eidunno half hour? forty-five minutes? in a wet sobbing hyperventilating puddle on the floor next to my bed with no coherent thoughts going through my head just the emotion of i dont know what to do i am terrified i am about to lose everything.
maybe blogging is a cry for help. probably. but i'll do it anyway and delete it later.
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1) I love you.
ReplyDelete2) Things may seem bleak now, they will work out to some extent.
3) You have a hot boyfriend who likes you a lot. This counts for something.
4) There's always free room and board here. But unfortunately, not a free plane ticket :(
Well if I could give you a phone call I would, Danielle. But I can't because you're in Germany. So instead I'll use the internet, and force myself to be brief:
ReplyDeleteI know the feeling having everyone else be out of town too. You'll be ok, some of the people who would normally keep you company will come back, and if it really comes to it and you have to move back to a place that you hate, you can at least count on having friends who love you who will meet you there.